A neuro-affirming reflection on behaviour, power, and compassion
There’s a quiet list many children learn by heart long before they can name it.
Don’t fidget.
Don’t interrupt.
Sit still.
Use your inside voice.
Don’t avoid work.
Make eye contact.
Follow instructions the first time.
It’s a list enforced through charts, warnings, detentions, loss of privileges, and sometimes shame.
What’s rarely acknowledged is this:
Adults do these things too. All the time.
We tap pens in meetings.
We scroll phones when overwhelmed.
We interrupt when excited or anxious.
We avoid emails we don’t know how to respond to.
We pace while thinking.
We disengage when bored, stressed, or dysregulated.
And yet, when children do the same things, we often call it misbehaviour.
This blog isn’t about calling anyone out.
It’s about slowing down, zooming out, and asking gentler questions.
Same behaviours, different meanings
From a developmental and neuro-affirming perspective, many behaviours labelled as “problems” are simply regulation strategies, communication, or capacity limits.
Research across psychology, neuroscience, and education consistently shows that behaviour is not a moral choice. It is shaped by nervous system state, cognitive load, sensory environment, relational safety, and past experiences.
When adults fidget, we assume:
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They’re concentrating
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They’re nervous
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They need movement to think
When kids fidget, we often assume:
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They’re not listening
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They’re being disruptive
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They’re choosing not to comply
Same behaviour. Very different stories.
And stories matter, because they guide responses.
It is also important to remember here that assumptions of any kind are not what we are aiming for.
Listening. Connection. Lived experience. Curiosity. Respect. Truth. Belief. This is what we are aiming for.
A classroom moment, reframed
An educator once shared this reflection:
“I used to think a child rolling on the carpet during story time was being disrespectful. Then I realised I pace while reading emails, because standing still makes my skin crawl.”
Nothing about the child changed.
Only the interpretation did.
Once we recognise that children and adults share nervous systems, we start to see behaviour less as defiance and more as natural human responses. Data we can use and interpret.
Why children are policed differently
Children exist in systems where adults hold nearly all the power. Adults decide:
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What matters
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What’s “appropriate”
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When flexibility is allowed
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Who must adapt
- What systems we adhere to
Children, especially neurodivergent children, disabled children, and children with trauma histories, often live under constant surveillance. Their bodies, voices, movements, and emotions are monitored in ways adult neuronormative and non-disabled bodies rarely are.
This isn’t because educators, parents, or adults generally are cruel.
It’s because systems were built around control, efficiency, and compliance, not nervous systems or diversity.
Many school rules were never designed with human variability in mind. They were designed for order.
The hidden curriculum kids absorb
When children are repeatedly corrected for behaviours adults are allowed to express, they learn lessons that are never written down:
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My body is wrong.
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My needs are inconvenient.
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Compliance matters more than comfort.
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Being accepted means hiding parts of myself.
For neurodivergent children, this often leads to masking. For others, it can lead to shutdown, anxiety, aggression, or withdrawal.
Adults often ask, “Why didn’t they just ask for help?”
But many children learn early that asking doesn’t lead to safety.
Behaviour as communication, not confession
A neuro-affirming approach starts from a different assumption:
Children are doing the best they can with the skills and supports available to them in that moment.
When a child avoids work, it might mean:
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The task feels too big in that moment
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They’re scared of getting it wrong
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Their nervous system is overwhelmed
- The environment is not suited to their needs
When a child interrupts, it might mean:
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Their thoughts move faster than turn-taking allows
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Waiting causes distress
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They’re excited and trying to connect
Adults do these things too. We just have more autonomy and fewer consequences.
What connection looks like in practice
Connection doesn’t mean removing all boundaries.
It means responding with curiosity instead of correction first.
Some gentle shifts that make a real difference:
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Asking “What’s making this hard right now?” instead of “Why are you doing this?” or "Stop doing that!"
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Allowing movement while listening
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Offering choices instead of ultimatums
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Normalising breaks and regulation tools for everyone
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Separating safety concerns from compliance expectations
One teacher reflected:
“When I stopped trying to stop the behaviour and started trying to understand it, the room actually became calmer.”
Guidance without shame
Children still need guidance. They still need support to navigate shared spaces. Neuro-affirming doesn’t mean permissive. It means proportionate, compassionate, and relational.
Adults often regulate through:
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Coffee
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Movement
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Music
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Stepping outside
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Venting to colleagues
Children deserve access to regulation too, without punishment attached.
If a behaviour would be understandable in an adult context, it’s worth pausing before punishing it in a child.
A question worth holding
Instead of asking,
“How do we stop kids from doing this?”
We might ask,
“What are they trying to manage, express, or survive?”
And then,
“What would I need if I felt this way?”
A closing reflection
Children are not unfinished adults.
They are full humans with developing nervous systems, fewer choices, and far less power.
When we hold kids to standards adults don’t meet themselves, we don’t teach regulation. We teach suppression.
At GRANN, we believe connection is not a reward for good behaviour.
It is the foundation that allows behaviour to change at all.
Not through control.
Through understanding.
Through guidance.
Through humanity.
Because kids aren’t getting it “wrong”.
They’re learning how to be human in a world that often forgets what that looks like, especially for children.
